How do people cope with loss of a dear one?

I didn’t go to work today. 

I couldn’t. 

I couldn’t do much with myself actually.

For the first time since your demise, I let myself cry, let the tears flow freely, silently, staring at your pictures on my phone; easily over 500 pictures and so many videos of you, just being you.

I type this soaked in tears. Something I am not used to. I rarely cry, honestly.

I am so used to being in control of every situation, I am always trying to be strong, to help make sense of the matter, no matter what it is; I can always handle it, and put everyone at ease. That’s what I’m used to.

But this? This has got me all befuddled, I really am still trying to grasp fully my situation.

I have come to realize that you can’t always be strong, you can’t always have everything under control, you can’t always know exactly what to do; sometimes, it seems all you need to do is cry it all out, and you’ll feel much better. Yet, I don't know if I feel any better.

When you passed, I sat, numbed, in that hospital, I had seemingly stopped ‘feeling’ things around me, I remember I walked out of the hospital building, all the way to the parking lot, walked up to the car of a total stranger, and was pulling furiously at the door handle, to open it up, but it just wouldn’t budge, and I kept pulling and asking myself, “what the heck is wrong with this car?” and the guy stood there, staring at me, it was almost as if he understood what I was going through. 

I have no idea what he said, if he said anything at all. 

I remember faintly hearing my name, from what seemed like a very far distance, I turned around and I could see my brother, running towards me from a different car and calling my name, and my mum, walking slowly towards us, I turned and walked away, and I didn’t even apologize to the other guy whose car I was assaulting. It was an 'out of body' experience, unreal.

I remember, the crowd of folks who kept pouring in to condole with my family, all with long faces, some trying to cheer me up, others were bawling, I had to be the one saying sorry to most people who showed up, but I don’t remember crying at all. I just seemingly couldn’t, if everyone else was crying, who would console them? I kept asking myself. 

“You’ve gotta be strong” I kept telling myself.

And so, I laughed (almost hysterically), cracked light jokes, smiled, and looked 'all good' to the outside world, but deep down inside, I was melting, gradually, melting away that hard resolve not to break out, I was melting.

I put you in a deep corner, in my heart, and locked up that part, and occasionally visited, to say hi; but last night, knowing that today would have been your very first birthday kept me up, I couldn’t sleep. I was wide awake, thinking so many thoughts, and gradually, I opened up all the memories, I started scrolling through your pictures, and found myself still awake by 3am, this morning. 

I realized I haven’t truly let it sink in, that you are truly gone, my own child. My very own offspring, gone, for good.
We live in a world where we truly can’t explain most of what happens, we just go through the motions, and we will never truly understand the mysteries of the universe.

I have no words to truly express how I feel at the moment, I doubt I ever will have the words, it’s inexplicable. It just is. 

How do people deal with this sort of loss?

How do they cope?

What do they do, to keep from going bonkers?

I’ll just keep doing what I’ve done for these past seven months that you’ve been gone; Singing.

It’s the least I can do; they say ‘as long as there’s life, there’s hope’.   

Well, music is my therapy, if I’m truly healing, I can’t say, but I try to keep going, because that’s what you would want mummy to do, isn’t it?, and because daddy needs a strong support.

It’s just that sometimes, I get so sick and tired of being ‘strong’ but I’ll just keep going.

Natalie - My sweet little Saint

NATALIE!!! 

Every time I think of you, I can’t help but smile, you were such a babbling little sweet child, I remember how you loved to always be cuddled, if I placed you on the bed, you would squirm so much till you would get my attention and then I would cuddle you and you would relax, you were such a joy.

You loved to snuggle into my neck so much, it was like you were saying “hold me tight mummy”, ha ha, everyone loved your cute laughter, you were such a happy baby, you even had chuckles while you slept, it was as if the angels told you jokes in your dreams.

Even though I stayed up most nights to cater to you, (and sometimes, just to watch you sleep), it was all still such a delight, I would cuddle you in my arms, dance round the room, singing slow songs to you, and rocking you gently back and forth till you would fall asleep, oh, how much you loved this little routine of ours.

You loved music so much, whenever I would sing to you, I loved how you would stare right back at me, it was as if you understood perfectly every word I sang to you, and even our little conversations seemed to sink in quite well.

Oh, you loved to chit chat, at the top of your voice, might I add, and you did have such a loud sharp voice, you were going to be a real talker, even at wee hours of dawn, or late at night, you didn’t care, all you ever had to say, had to be said, my little chatter bug, you were so charming.

It was such a joy and a blessing having you around, everyone would fuss over you, it was like our whole world revolved around you, ah, you were such a joy to behold.

You changed our lives so dramatically, we had to switch up to fit into your own little routine, or should I say ‘routine-less’ itinerary? You were such a boss, everything you wanted you would certainly have, otherwise you would put on the water works, and that was sure to work.

Everywhere we went together, everyone we met fell helplessly in love with you, your charm was so captivating, you had such a genuine smile, your expressions were like you totally understood every situation, you were like a little adult, so young yet so mature, I never understood that.

Words can never truly express how I felt being your mother, I was caught up in a wave of emotions, joy, happiness, intrigue, confusion, excitement, fatigue, ecstasy, frustration, elation, all at once, everything one could possibly feel being a first time mum, I felt, and even perhaps, so much more, there was so much I didn’t know about infants, and everyone, EVERYONE had an opinion on everything, from the doctors, to friends, family members, church members, strangers on the street, everyone, and sometimes, advice I received differed so much and were so opposite, I had no idea what to do. I was on one heck of a roller coaster ride. It was all pretty amazing.

Talie, You have no idea how incredibly blessed we felt to have been your parents and family, even if for only five months and nine days, it was well worth it, we loved it all, the laughter, the joy, the sleepless nights, your innocence, the whole nine yards, we loved it all, you were truly a joy.

But then, you had to say goodbye, albeit abruptly, you had to return to your eternal bliss, we had so much planned for the long run, so much to teach you, and show you, so much we looked forward to, but God had much greater plans for you, and we certainly couldn’t take that away from you.

Now that you are back to heaven, and in the arms of God, in the company of all the angels and saints, do me a favor, kiss Jesus for me, and tell Him mummy says “thank You” for the blessings, joys, and laughter, that having you around brought to my family, say hi to all the angels and saints for us, you are now our very own little saint Natalie, have a jolly merry time.
May all your birthdays be as twinkly as the stars that have now become your abode, and keep being your bubbly and babbling little self till we all meet to part no more.

Happy Heavenly 1st birthday, my sweet little Saint.

Love,

Mummy